Diary of a broken man

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Two days ago I broke down.  I don’t even know how to begin this.  I have been a downright scoundrel for a long time.  I am an alcoholic, a sometime drug abuser, a manipulator and liar, and I have basically let everyone I know down so many times that I cannot even remember most of the those times.  Right now I have been sober for two days and I feel awful.  I feel very vulnerable.  I am filled with anxiety and shame.  I am terrified of losing my wife and our pups.  I made a sacred commitment to her and I have let her down.  I have outright lied to her and I have lied by omission.  She gave grace to me once before when I was drinking a lot and drove drunk with her and put her in danger.  I told her I would quit…and I did for a while but then I did it again.  I have no right to expect that grace again.  So I must be prepared for her to leave me.  I came clean to her two days ago and told her everything I have been doing.  I gave her access to my bank accounts and credit card today so she could see everything.  Funny thing is that I left a paper trail to everything.  So I am terrified.  I am anxious.  I am in a very shitty state right now.  We have agreed that I will go to inpatient treatment.  I admit that I would never have even considered that before…

I have done the following things:  I have been using cough meds (dextromethorphan) on the order of two to three bottles a day (900 mg of dxm), alcohol (a gulp full every few hours to temper the anxiety), marijuana (maybe a puff or two daily), and my own prescriptions (sometimes abused by adding extra doses).  I have been doing this for over a year.  The dxm, when dosed carefully, and especially when combined with pregabalin in my regular dose, creates a dissociative effect and a not-unpleasant “floating” feeling.  It also is effective in alleviating anxiety.  It sometimes puts me in a manic state and I find that I can be much more gregarious and talkative to people, which has helped me sell bikes and be more social in general.  

The combination i have been using worked for awhile…worked like I wanted it to.  Until it started to make me lose my mind.  Also I noticed some pretty crappy side effects.  The dxm causes me to retain water and makes my skin very blotchy.  The marijuana sometimes makes me even more anxious, which is why I used it sparingly.  And I really only started using that fairly recently.  I actually tried cutting out the dex and only using the weed.  But I could only do that if I was already in a happy mood…which is not very often anymore if I am not on the dex and pregabalin.  

Things just started to get more complicated the longer I went on with this regimen.  And I was spending a lot of money going to CVS or Walgreens all the time to buy more dex.  Add in the vodka (and sometimes beer…I really love a good, strong IPA) and my credit card went up and up.  But I found I could escape the guilt and worry if I just kept myself medicated.  So that’s what I did.  I took the easy road.  Funny thing, the easy road…you get quick gratification that way but you miss a hell of a lot of interesting things.  Important things.  Things that matter.  

I missed a hell of a lot of things that matter on the easy road.  

This first journal entry is about me telling whoever will listen (yes, “whoever”, not “whomever”).  I am in a very bad place right now.  My psyche is broken.  I am broken.  I have nothing to lose anymore because I have lost myself.  Sure, I can still lose my marriage and family and my “stuff” (truck, moto, bikes, etc.) but if I don’t even have my mind, that stuff is effectively gone.  Because if I don’t even know who I am anymore, how can I be present for my family?  I am fucked six ways from Sunday and I don’t even know how to find me.  I do not love myself right now.  In fact, I hate myself. Two days ago I wanted to die.  I came close to doing it.  I really, really thought long and hard about it.  I actually planned it all out.  It’s even written down in a little story I wrote.  I put it in this blog a few entries ago.  It has always been comforting to me that if life became to painful for me to endure, I could simply stop it.  

But I thought about Beth and the pups and I became filled with remorse for all the things I have done.  I suddenly realized that I loved them very much and the thought of causing them the sort of pain that a suicide would certainly do broke me in half and split my heart in two.  One half is the manipulative asshole that only cares about himself.  The other half, or more accurately, the tiny little piece that broke off of that shitty half, is somehow a precious little piece of someone that I have not known in a very long time.  I hope I can get to know that person.  I hope that person can become strong enough to save me…whomever I am.  So I will go to inpatient treatment and ask for help.  And I hope they will recognize that person and teach me who he is.  I hope they feed him well and help him to find a sense of self-worth.

I have already had help from Beth, Brian, and Matt.  I owe them my life right now.  Not that my life is worth much these days.  But, maybe…in time.  

I don't really care who sees this post.  I don't have that many followers, anyway.  People will find out sooner or later, anyway.  If you read this, just know that I fucking hate gossip.  So be cool about it, please.  And if you see me, please go ahead and talk to me about it.  I won't mind.  

More stuff tomorrow.  -C