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Tumultuous
THAT is what my year was. It was weird.
It was wild and beautiful and crazy and scary and sad and way too many
other adjectives for me to list. I sold
the store and took the summer off and then got a job and basically just twisted
my whole life around and inside out and I still don’t exactly know what the
hell I am doing or where I am going in this life. I can tell you that I am much happier now
than I have been in many, MANY years though.
But I am not exactly sure why. My
head is a full of bats and snowstorms and stomping goblins all gnashing their
teeth and laughing and yelling at me that it’s time to let the past go and not
just in a passive sort of way. But can I
do this thing? I am trying. Let me explain…
The store was my life.
Every single bit of me went into that thing and a large part of me is
still in there to this day…banging around in the back with a drill or a ladder
or something and doing the THINGS that made the place what it was and what it
probably still is, just a little bit. I
spent many a long day and night creating a space and a culture there and I am
damned proud of what I did. Of what I
created. The ability to create is
perhaps the most important gift I have been given in this most tempestuous
life. It is what drives me and makes me
happy and basically keeps me alive at this point. The act of creation is sacred to me. It should be.
It is so very important. That
drive and that NEED to bring something into existence and grow it into
something that thrives and has utility…it is more or less indescribable. I cannot think, right now, of proper words to
describe how important it is to me.
Without it I would never have built the store, or the bike teams, or the
many wonderful and important relationships that I have been blessed with over
the past ten years. Holy smokes…we are
all capable of so much if we just let ourselves open up our minds and our
hearts and hands and eyes and all the other senses we can and just do the
things and make the things and just DARE to grab ahold of our dreams and
wrangle the things into existence by sheer act of will and stubborn bull-headed
persistence!
And so much for all of that.
It is over now. I did the things
and made the things and they were all awesome and I had so many friends and
customers and acquaintances and teammates and sponsors and man oh man it was a
wild ride. What I want to get off my
chest though is how very very very VERY damned sad I was to leave it all
behind. It really, profoundly affected
me. The store belongs to someone else
now (a very good man) and the team is no longer mine. Things happened between myself and some other
people who are involved with those things and not all of it was good and most
of it was my fault. Let me say something
here: I don’t consider myself a great
person. I am not one to grandstand when
I race bikes or gloat when I accomplish something good in life. I try my best to be quiet and considerate and
ALWAYS to listen to people when they talk to me. But sometimes I can pop off at the head when
I feel strongly about something and sometimes I can say or do things which may
be hurtful to other people. I don’t do
this very often but I have been known to do it.
And sometimes the things I say or do are so hurtful that I damage
relationships just like an axe through wood.
I am sorry for those things. I
really am. But now I consider those
matters closed and that part of my life over.
I truly miss those people and the good times we had together but I
understand why the distance between us has grown so vast. Sucks…really does.
So now I am at another shop and it is on the complete
opposite side of the city and that fact is very prescient. I manage a big store and I really like all
the people I work with….err, with whom I work.
Sounds so goofy to say it properly.
I am NOT the head honcho anymore and I have to be accountable to someone
else now…a behavior which has never come easily to me. But, anyway I like what I am doing and I have
started several new projects that are really stirring up the creative
juices. …my mind is aglow with whirling
transient nodes of thought…careening through a cosmic vapor of invention
(stolen) and I feel very invigorated right now.
I am slightly manic a lot of the time because my head has not been this
free for many, MANY years. I am also
coaching and have started two other teams, with the help of several great
friends. And soon you will be seeing a
big huge sprinter-style van full of tools and workstands and bike parts and
covered with big logos and stripes and such and you know what’s inside? …a little bike shop! We are launching the mobile side of the store
and I am pretty dang proud to say that I have a large hand in the creation of
this new thing. We will be driving
around soon and going to your house to fix your rig instead of you having to
drag it over to us! The store is also
the primary sponsor of our new women’s racing team, Gray Goat Mobile - Bullseye
Total Media Women’s Racing (I have long supported women’s racing in Indy). This team is, well, just badass. They are fast and hungry and I imagine they
will pretty much dominate women’s racing around the INKY area and also on the
national scene as they are a division 1 team in the USA Crits series.
Creation, folks…it’s the best. Make stuff and feed it and water it and give
it love and watch it grow and thrive and just be happy that we all are blessed
with this ability to bring our ideas into existence. I feel…good.
I dare say it. I actually feel
good right now. I have been a stark
raving mad anxious maniac for way too long and now it’s time for me to calm
down and just let it be, let it be………let it beeeeeeee yeah let it be! Whisper words of wisdom….let it be……….. Thanks, Paul.
A new Chris has emerged, folks, and he is a much better and
happier person than he has been in a very, very long time. This may be dangerous as when I get to being
manic and having flights of ideas and stuff I tend to go all wacky-wonky and I
can’t stop until the thing careens all fast and loose and faster and faster and
give it MORE GAS FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!!
…..we gots things to do…
MUCH LOVE
