Recovery is Real...The Bottom of The Well...Kurtz Gets His Wish...Chris is Sleepy

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Recovery is good.  Going very well…much better than I ever expected.  AA is good.  Lots of great people there who Genuinely Care about everyone in that community.  And it is a real community.  I never thought much of it, before this shitstorm happened.  Or, rather, before I caused it to happen.  But my attitude toward that very gracious group of folks changed from the moment I began to listen with a completely open mind and a completely open “heart”. 

What does that word mean…?  Heart.  I never have really considered it, unless I considered it a very trite thing to mention.  But so many people use it in every day speech.  It pervades our daily lives in both the written and spoken word.  You hear it in news stories, in song lyrics, in television shows and movies (Lifetime movies, especially…hahaha).  You read it in novels, in print news, in greeting cards, and poetry.  Of course, every single athletic coach in the world uses it in every day speech.  And motivational speakers…well they are maybe the most frequent users of this powerful trope. 

The trope, itself, is a stand-in for so many things.  It could be a metaphor for positive emotions like love, or kindness, or empathy (have a heart).  It could stand for courage, or concerted effort, or strong self-motivation as it pertains to any sort of physical or emotional effort.  There are probably a hundred different ways to use the aforementioned word.  Maybe more.  For my part, I suspect “open heart” means the capacity to abandon ego and learn fearlessly.  Yeah…I think that’s the whole nut, here.  And with that being said, my heart is open now.  It is open now because it was completely empty and on its way to the cemetery; but was still beating very faintly and slowly and I, with the help of Big Guns Upstairs, snatched the thing up and shocked the hell out of it and tore out all of the fucking evil crud that had been blocking the flow of life. 

It is a terrifying, humbling thing to go to the bottom of the well and take a look around.  The bottom of the well is made of solid rock and it will kill you if it can.  It has that power because you have that power.  And when you are not in control of your own mind, and thus your own actions, there is a very good chance you will use that power.  I suspect that many people think they have reached the bottom of the well, but still have a long way to go.  If you can still float, you have not made it yet.  It you only think you have made it, you haven’t.  When you hit rock bottom, you will know it.  I knew it, instantly.  I had been on a full-speed expedition toward it for some time and I knew I was almost there for about three or four months.  The clues and markers were in plain sight and I knew it would probably kill me but I was a stubborn fucking pilgrim and I was not about to give up on my quest.  I knew that the only way I could truly change my life and my worldview was to slam into that rock bottom full-tilt boogie and see what the fucker had in store for me.  Well…it was damn ugly.  Damn ugly, indeed.  It felt like being stuck in some schizophrenic’s lucid dream about an evil carnival with only a giant Gravitron for a ride and some vacuous stumblebum jams you inside after force-feeding you half a bottle of vodka and six peyote buttons and says “Don’t come out ‘till ya shit through your eyeballs!” 

I don’t ever want to be at the bottom of the well, again, let alone ride a goddam Gravitron.  I know I’m having a bit of fun with this piece, but I want to be deadly clear; hitting Rock Bottom is not an experience I would wish on anyone.  It is the same Horror that Kurtz managed to blurt out as he lay dying, pathetically, on the steamboat in Heart of Darkness.  I have read that book many times and I’ve always thought, or suspected, that the Horror, about which he gasped, was actually the ultimate fulfillment of Kurtz’ self-loathing…an angry, violent, psychopathic descent into a self-generated insanity that could only end when he was completely emptied of anything human.  His soul died just before his body, leaving time only for those fateful last words.  Well…he got his wish, but, like I said, the Bottom of the Well will kill you if it can.  Kurtz knew he was at the bottom, but his madness was such that the Horror of the well brought him only relief instead of regret.  I was one of the fortunate ones, and my circumstances were providential.  I was categorically exhausted, mentally and physically, but I started to climb out with a little help from some really great friends, family, and God as I know Him.  And with that, I am done with this thing.

Off to bed…C

Broken Man 4

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Broken man part 4

Well I broke myself out of that place.  It was absolutely not as advertised.  I was not allowed to go outside.  No riding bikes…no running?  Not even just around the building?  Also the food was patently non-nutritious.  All processed crap full of sodium, sugar, fat, and more sodium.  My room was dirty and the beds were very uncomfortable.  So I left. 

I made a plan for the next few weeks.  I started AA tonight.  It was great!  I already met quite a few great people and actually volunteered to tell my story when it was time for that. 

I have been to meetings before but I was always full of trepidation when I got to the places in which the meetings were held.  It was because I knew that the people who really work the program are authentic…hones.  And back then I was still in the throes of working my “personas”, as I call them.  I created a persona to fit in to those meetings simply so I could get through them as easily as possible.  And it worked.  I talked the talk and walked the walk.  But I did not think the thoughts.  Because I was not authentic.  I was not open with my thoughts.  I compartmentalized all the pain inside me and walked out onto that stage as a trained actor.  I was filled with dread…real fear.  My life thus far has largely been defined and delineated by constant fear and anxiety.  And that fear was why I never took AA seriously.

But today was different.  Actually the last ten days have been completely different.  I don’t remember the last time I was this vulnerable and raw.  I know that I would normally only do that with Beth.  I have been that way with Beth…especially in the beginning.  So, anyway, I drove over there and walked straight in without any trace of fear.  I think it was God. 

I’m so tired.  I know this was not super interesting but I am trying to keep the blog up to date.  And this is the best I have at the moment.  More tomorrow.  I am feeling much better than ten days ago.  Much hope and my mind is clearing…remarkably.  I can think again. 

See ya—C