092919
Day two of the Journey of a Broken Man
A little better today. Had a pretty shitty morning. Super emotional and I really miss my wife. No real physical symptoms today but the mental shit is pretty bad. My head is clearing out pretty well though and the thinking is getting faster and more precise. I don’t really know what to expect in this realm. I suspect I’ll keep getting clearer as time goes on but I KNOW that means that the anxiety and guilt will become stronger. I think this will get a lot worse before it gets better. Still…haven’t had any substances for three days and that is the best I can hope for at this point.
Interesting that a few people reached out to me today. I guess more people read my blog than I thought. I didn’t share it on social media so I’m not sure how they found it. But…i really don’t care either. Those few people gave me a little more hope in the world and in people…friends. For those pals: Thank you. Thank you mucho. For a person like me, who has always tried very hard to just fit in…to be liked and respected…to just fit the fuck in!…well I guess that really just surprised me. Surprised the hell out of me. You see, I’ve never really trusted many people. I can count on two hands the number of people I honest to God trust in this world. I imagine that is a pretty shitty way to live your life. But I always felt very vulnerable as a kid and I learned super early that the best way to not feel vulnerable is to build big, giant, mental walls that cannot be breached by conventional weapons. I’ve put myself out there a few times in life and a lot of those times end up in disappointment for me.
Jesus I sound like a bleeding heart wanker. But I guess this experiment (the journal) in putting myself out there for realsies. And since I do not even know who my authentic self is anymore, maybe this will help uncover that kid. This is not a conventional weapon. It is an attempt to blow up those walls to smithereens from the inside. No one else can really do it—especially if I don’t want you to. Hell, I don’t even know if I really like bike racing in an authentic way. I suspect I do…but I don’t Really know. I know I like riding my bike, though. Of that I am quite certain. That part goes way back to the Sunblest days. Escaping the hell that was going on in my house with Curt and his bullshit by riding my BMX bike all over those early, unfinished neighborhoods in Fishers (back before Fishers became a soulless caricature of Carmel by ripping down every last remnant of a once charming small town and replacing it with a GODDAM IKEA and those fucking poser monstrosities they put all over the fucking town hall area). Fuck you, Fishers, for taking my town from me.
Apologies to anyone who lives in Fishers if you find that rant offensive. But I find Fishers offensive now and I don’t ever want to go back. Not even though I owned a business there, either. The whole place disgusts me. Except Sunblest, and Cottingham (sp?) Estates, and old downtown, and anywhere else I had friends. Which was not a lot of places because we only had about 8-10,000 people in the 1980s there.
I guess I have some anger in me as well. Probably a lot. And I curse a lot. I will probably always do that. I find it extremely therapeutic. Like punching and kicking, only with words. Extremely useful! Incidentally, that’s one of the reasons I LOVE Beth’s home town. Largely unchanged since she was a kid there.
But I am not doing this to be PC or even nice. I am doing it to get all my shit out in the open. So I will write what I feel like writing and if anyone is disgusted with me for it, well I guess that’s on them.
So currently I am watching the World Road Race replay on the tele and holy shit what a great race. What a finish. And the women’s race…what a performance by our local hero, Chloe D. Sublime ride in the TT and one helluva ride in the RR. Devastating attacks. In years to come, That chick is going to straight rip the souls out of her peers. Pure Beast Mode. Pure Killer Instinct. Can’t teach that, folks. A vicious killer in the style of Bernard Hinault and Genghis Khan. Americans love that shit.
Okay I’m tired and I need some sleep. I rode my own bike today and felt pretty good after about an hour…finally. I’ve felt like shit on the bike for a while now. Burned out. Had a shitty race season. I know that a lot of that was due to my substance abuse and lack of actual food intake. Most days the past year I rarely ate anything before evening because the stimulant effect of the dope I was taking just made me not hungry. It worked for a while, but it finally caught up to me, I think. Incidentally I have been starving ass hungry from morning to night since I quit all that shit and have been eating everything in the house. Which is not a lot due to the fact that if Beth does not do the shopping, I just eat whatever we have left until the fridge is nice and cleaned out…which is the way I like it. Even when I was eating properly, my diet has always consisted of about ten total foods. And most of those ten foods are pasta and cans of tuna…hahaha.
Okay I’m done for today. More tomorrow…. -C
No comments:
Post a Comment