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Rats are gnawing on my irises! They are literally chewing on the backsides of my eyes because they are in my skull right now. They have not eaten much of my brain yet, which is why I can write this, but I am afraid that they will do that soon enough.
They got in my head last night when I was passed out next to the fire pit on our patio. I don’t know how I lost track of time, or my consciousness, but it happened, and those filthy fuckers cut straight through some of my neck tendons and crawled up through the foramen magnum, one by one, with help from their razor sharp claws and powerful leg muscles. Rats are very strong. They are also attracted to white matter, apparently…and eyeballs.
What I DON"T want to happen is for them to mess with my higher cognitive functions and my eyesight, in general. I already have to wear readers when I am looking at anything closer than about two feet from my face. And I don’t want them to get too close to my pre-frontal cortex. That would be disastrous. I can feel them wriggling around in there like two huge beetle larvae just eating everything they can until they develop their armor and legs and can escape. But escape is not what these awful devils want. They want to take control of my mind and direct me like a shitty little homunculus with ten arms and a fiendish book of instructions that was created specifically by someone or some thing on acid or mushrooms.
That is what it feels like sometimes. Levers are pulled and buttons pushed and I do things and say things and move around as if controlled and directed by a foul-tempered wizard. I don’t know why I do some of the things I do! I just can’t help it. I mowed the lawn and planted a tree and made the bed but I didn’t ask my wife what she wanted to do today because I thought, for whatever reason, that my doing chores was something good and something for which I should be rewarded. But this is marriage, people! It does not work that way. (she is sitting next to me with a blanket over her and playing on her computer…Bella is between us and Walter is on the floor and we are watching the Colts game and waiting to go to church) What I should have done was work out (ride) while she was doing her workout and then come home and ask her what was most important to her today. That is what a husband should do. Happy wife / happy life…as they say. And I should have done that. But…I didn’t. It’s the rats.
I can tell they have made their way into my temporal lobes. I can’t remember things like I could twenty years ago when I was smart. But they are eating my temporal lobes now and it is much worse. They need to stay away from the dura mater. That is the lining of the skull. Can’t let them get to the actual bone…the calcium. They need it to aid their muscle contraction…especially the heart muscle. And they can get it if they drill through to the bone. So I am officially asking anyone reading this right now if you have some rat poison or repellant which I might borrow…or just take, so that I can stuff it up the open wound in my neck and kill the evil bastards. I think they may have targeted me. I have spoken to some of my neighbors and they all seem to be fine. They sort of look at me queerly when I tell them I have giant rats in my head trying to blind me by eating my eyes from the inside out, but what am I supposed to do? What I can’t tell, though, is which one of them set the dirty things loose on my patio (rats don’t normally live around here). Whoever it was must have been watching me…which leads me to believe that it was one of my closer neighbors. I’ll find out. You can bet on that. I have ways! A person like me always has ways. inexhaustible resources…intellectual purpose and laser-focused direction, my friends. I’ll catch them soon enough and then it’ll be rats for them!
But in the meantime…it has to be poison. That’s the only way to get rid of rats…especially when they obviously have a purpose and are motivated to fill their bellies with axons and dendrites. Gotta be careful, though. Can’t just stuff it up there because I don’t want to destroy any more of my brain than absolutely necessary to get rid of the fiends. I may need professional help. If I could find an exterminator with a gentle hand and surgical precision i would hire him or her but I doubt that person exists. And it figures. And so it goes… That’s always the way it goes with rats.
When your wife is happy with you, or forgives you for something, or is just generally nice to you, the rats get sick and begin to die. I don’t exactly know how it works but you can actually feel them slowing down their movements and they stop chewing so incessantly on your eyes and dura mater and whatever lobes they happen to be near. Sometimes you still need rat poison to fully rid yourself of the little shits but I do know that the surest way to mitigate the damage done by them is to be a good husband. Don’t be selfish. Take her for a walk sometimes with the pups. Talk to her. Listen to her. Go and do something that she wants to do on your day off. Make her dinner. Lots of things… They all help kill those rotten buggers in your skull…in my skull. They are still there and I can feel them but they are getting tired, I think.
Colts just threw an interception and now the Cardinals are poised to kick a FG and put a bullet through the horse. Hell they may get a TD. Fegging Colts. Oooohhh…FG it was. Being a Colts fan is like being in a submarine that has a random tendency to Crazy Ivan without permission from the Captain…or anyone else, for that matter.
But the rats. I just pulled one out. It was disgusting…all bloody and covered in my grey and white matter and cerebrospinal fluid. Skinny thing. I opened the back gate and turned it loose toward the middle of the commons area. No, I did not kill it. I don’t do that. All life is sacred, and all that crap. Beth always gets mad when I capture spiders and let them loose outside instead of killing them. Anyway the coyote or the red fox will probably get him…he was pretty weak. The other one is still in there but I think I can get him before the end of the night. If not, I will get him tomorrow morning after I have some coffee. I think the caffeine might help because it is a vasoconstrictor. Might make some more room for me to reach up there. It’s almost dead, I think. My wife seems to like me right now. Some sort of inverse relationship between our relationship and the health of the rat. I assume it is some form of telepathy mixed with the Force. And I really believe in that shit, mind you. Lightsabers and dead rats. The fate of the galaxy in the balance and I have to deal with fucking rats.
Anyway, be nice to your wife is the point. And I’m out…
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