100719
Broken man part 4
Well I broke myself out of that place. It was absolutely not as advertised. I was not allowed to go outside. No riding bikes…no running? Not even just around the building? Also the food was patently non-nutritious. All processed crap full of sodium, sugar, fat, and more sodium. My room was dirty and the beds were very uncomfortable. So I left.
I made a plan for the next few weeks. I started AA tonight. It was great! I already met quite a few great people and actually volunteered to tell my story when it was time for that.
I have been to meetings before but I was always full of trepidation when I got to the places in which the meetings were held. It was because I knew that the people who really work the program are authentic…hones. And back then I was still in the throes of working my “personas”, as I call them. I created a persona to fit in to those meetings simply so I could get through them as easily as possible. And it worked. I talked the talk and walked the walk. But I did not think the thoughts. Because I was not authentic. I was not open with my thoughts. I compartmentalized all the pain inside me and walked out onto that stage as a trained actor. I was filled with dread…real fear. My life thus far has largely been defined and delineated by constant fear and anxiety. And that fear was why I never took AA seriously.
But today was different. Actually the last ten days have been completely different. I don’t remember the last time I was this vulnerable and raw. I know that I would normally only do that with Beth. I have been that way with Beth…especially in the beginning. So, anyway, I drove over there and walked straight in without any trace of fear. I think it was God.
I’m so tired. I know this was not super interesting but I am trying to keep the blog up to date. And this is the best I have at the moment. More tomorrow. I am feeling much better than ten days ago. Much hope and my mind is clearing…remarkably. I can think again.
See ya—C
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